Hello there,
One year ago, I decided to open the pages of my heart and allow vulnerability to invade me. I started blogging; I took my experiences as a single mother and put them on a display that I named ~ CUYAGRACIA ~ it has been amazing to see how God starts to show up when you put him first, and be courageous to share his love. So much has unfolded these last 365 days; I’ve been blogging, I started focusing on my fitness goals, spending more time with my daughter, and I finally started school again (I am currently working on my undergrad degree and pursuing the career of my dreams, one that impacts the life of others forever). When you pursue the desires of your heart, and you believe they are possible to obtain that’s when all the seasons correlate right in front of your eyes. It doesn’t matter if you are in your twenties, thirties or forties (I just did my check-in to this floor) just be bold and let go and let God!
Epiphanies shock you when you claim back your empire state of mind, sometimes it takes 10 years of lingering or wondering, then you finally see everything so clear from that skyrise. I always felt a fire that followed me everywhere, that lit my heart. The problem was I did not believe it was possible to obtain. After I had my daughter, I faced a reality that smacked me in the face. The thought of not having an education or a career that was stable enough to provide for my child, was a devastating one. I pursued that lost dream and found myself working a full-time job, going to class at night and raising a child on my own. Once I completed my degree, I hit a brick wall as I tried to find a job opportunity in my field and faced a lot of denials. After many years of feeling this way and a series of life events, I was led to a moment that would forever change the trajectory of my life and the legacy I will leave for my daughter.
It was a very hot day in the Do-Jo and in the middle of my workout; a conversation sparked the unthinkable and resurrected words that were left unspoken inside my soul. I was asked the question of my lifetime by one of the most influential people I have come to know, and she said: “Diana, what would you love to do for the rest of your life?” While this may seem like a simple question, it was one that put me out of my comfort zone, my brain was on a spinning wheel and I was about to glide of a cliff. I was not mentally or emotionally prepared to dream what my life could be by just simply using my imagination. I can’t remember the last time I actually said my dreams out loud or thought about what I wanted for my life without any limitations. I lived many years keeping dreams unspoken and we always have that inner voice of doubt that yells, “IT IS IMPOSSIBLE!” After taking a second and really digging deep within myself, I felt all of the pressure of holding myself back for all of these years, I exploded and said, “Ï would love to finish my undergraduate degree and possibly my master’s degree, but I just feel too old to even consider it.” There they were my hidden fears and the silent dreams, floating in this hot room and from that moment on, I knew that I had two choices: I either face my fears or keep running from them.
I was 16 years old when my mother, my sister and I left Colombia and moved to the states. I saw her work day in and day out and as a result, my sister and I didn’t see much of her. She lived in survival mode for such a long time. When I became a mother, I remember looking at my daughter as a baby and thinking, “I refuse to settle and not have education.” Therefore, I pursued a career in the health field, which ended in frustration. I always pushed myself to be the best of the best in motherhood quality as I refused to raise my child in a mediocre setting. I instilled values in my daughter with a firm foundation, which reinforces her in every way. Although, I always strived to be the best mother I could be, I wanted more for my life. After that life changing question, I decided to have courage and silence that inner voice of defeat and I realized that this would also impact my daughter in so many different levels. I will be able to show her that dreams are not impossible and that you can conquer them regardless of your age and that sometimes the fear of failure will not hold you back as it can be the rocket ship that shoots you in the direction of the stars.
Failure will always be an option, because you tried and it didn’t work out or worst yet, because you never tried. I was tied down by the latter one for a decade. When you surrender to an emotional and mental habit, it becomes the norm for which you live by. I began to believe this was organic and the settling feeling was just a daily companionship regardless of how uneasy it felt. Fear is a four-letter word with a lot of power to paralyze a person or to literally make you jump off a cliff and see where you choose to land. I have decided that I want to jump because the only way I can fly is by talking myself out of old habits. The only way to build new habits is by repetition and I constantly repeat to myself that the time will pass and I would much rather be in my forties with the career of my dreams, regardless of when I get there, instead of longing for one and feeling empty and unaccomplished.
I come from a family that has worked hard for generations and as minorities in this land, my parents felt truly blessed to have the opportunity to work in a country that was not their own. Since a very young age, it was instilled in me that if you really want something, you must work hard for it. This idea of facing the world, hustling, and providing for one’s family is what I grew up with. It is astonishing to realize that as we become adults, we find ourselves following the foot-steps of our parents without even realizing it. The familiarity of this path is what makes us choose it if we don’t catch ourselves. I have come to accept that if I want something different for my life, I had to do something different. Nothing new can be established with the same old habits.
One of the hardest parts of this journey has been to truly believe that my silenced and hidden dreams can become a reality that I can grab with both hands. They are tangible weapons that I can use to defeat my giants, which are the ones I created on my own. These giants will hold you down in one place year after year and make you feel defeated. I have decided to confront them face to face and strip them down of their power, place myself in the gap and fight back. At this point, failure is not an option because it has held me down for so long and now, I will put up a good fight and I believe I will succeed.
I can say that most women my age have their life together and their life puzzle looks more complete than mine does. However, if I decide to let my age hold me back then I will look back in my sixties with that gut feeling of regret that will eat me alive and make me feel miserable. If my journey can inspire other women to follow their dreams regardless of the stereotypes and what society wants to dictate for them, then I can set a new path with some relentless footsteps to follow. Most importantly, I want my daughter to see an accomplished mother, one that pushed through the brick walls and held her head up high when life could have weighed her down. I want her to know that it is never too late to pursue our heart’s desires because we are the sculptors of our lives and we can’t let outside influences dictate our future. It took me a while to get here, but I’m glad I finally made it.
For all those single mother’s out there keep pushing through, do not settle and do not stay in the safe zone. Make yourself a priority and show your kids that everything is possible regardless of the circumstances. Whatever your dream is, conquer it and dare to believe it. One day our kids will grow and start their own life, we must trust that we raised them with good values, but at the same time make sure your hands are full of plans so you continue to sculpt your life, your own identity
God bless you all!
